For You.

I love you.

I just wanted you to know.

Something Happening.

I've been thinking a *lot* about you recently, sweetie. A lot. And I'm confused and it's bothering me a little.

I met a girl that looks *exactly* like you. It's creepy. She lives in Columbus, and she's lesbian. She's the right age, the right hair color, the right facial features, everything. The only thing is, she won't talk to me. I added her on FB and she seemed nice enough, but...she apparently isn't really into me....or at least she hasn't noticed me. I have no idea how to think about her, how to arrange my mind to perceive her. It hurts a little, and I'm not sure why....but I think a good part of it is that she looks like you. And it makes me want you and miss you so much more. I guess I'm worried I'll mess stuff up....I'm worried she's *you* and that I can somehow screw it all up.

There's another girl in Florida who has some of the same features....but it's her personality I'm starting to find appealing. She's one of the first girls that's *ever* understood my insecurities. She really understands me on a deeper spiritual level....or at least I can be myself with her and she really values my insight about the world. She really appreciates me, I think, and it feels like something might be possible with her.

But then the question remains....where are *you*? Do I have to go through another relationship to get to you? Are you just around the corner? Or....are you here already?

It's mind boggling and I wish I could stop thinking about it long enough to collect my head. I guess it's just.....I'm already yours. And...if you value someone that much, you kinda wanna know where they are. ^.~

I dunno. I think too much.

So I Can Sleep.

Do you ever have those nights - the ones you have all to yourself - where you don't have anything super urgent to do but you're not ready to go to bed yet? And then nothing feels quite right so you just kinda sit there, feeling like you're killing time? (Which...the killing time thing, if you think about it, is kinda ominous, but...) That's kinda how I feel right now, so...I was just sitting here in front of my laptop, and this thought struck me, really loud in my head.

"Why don't you write to your girlfriend?"

So, in my glossy-eyed ditsyness, I thought "......huh! That's a really good idea."

I feel like I always have something to say to you, like you're the one muse I have, the one inspiration. No matter what I'm doing, no matter how I'm feeling, it always feels right to write to you, to tell you how I'm feeling.

All I can hope is that when you're reading these, they won't bore you too much. (: They're all just for you!

Today I told some chick about me. You know, the really super uber personal thing. She didn't react *badly*, per se. But she didn't just take it without blinking, either. Before, she'd wanted to see me as soon as possible. And after, she started saying "well....we're only gonna have a few hours..." That bothers me - that's something you may already know about me by now...how important I'd see someone's reaction.

Naturally, my thoughts turned to you. I know that if you're really the girl of my dreams, you *won't* react. Period. You'll still see me as the same girl *after* finding out as you did *before* you found out. You'll still see me as every bit as beautiful, every bit as desirable. It's *me* you want, and that's what makes you so special.

Chapter One.

Hello, sweetheart.

If you're reading this, that means you must be the girl I've looked for for so long. I'm going to write a little to you each day, or at least when I have time or when I have something meaningful to say to you. Hopefully through this, when you arrive in my life, you can learn a little about who I am and how I feel about you, already.

As of right now, we haven't met yet. Or if we have, we're not aware of each other in the typical physical way most people are aware of one another. But...weird as this sounds, I see you sometimes. I think even more, I *feel* you. Sometimes I'll get distracted by girls that want my attention, but I always know they're not right for me. I'll kind of reach out with my awareness, looking for you, and there you are. I could almost *touch* you, you're so clear, so close. I feel your love for me, your devotion, the strength of your infatuation, your affection, your conviction. I've never felt anything like it....I've never SEEN anything like it. But it's who you are. And I love you already for it. It's so perfect...

You already love me more deeply, more strongly, than anyone that's ever known me in my whole life. And you probably haven't even met me yet.

But I think you're aware of me, on some level. I think there are things about me you've already lain awake at night thinking about, fantacising about. You want a girl that's like this....or a girl that feels this way, a girl that treats you that way. I think you've already started to draw me into your life. I think you started drawing me into your life months ago, maybe years ago. We're still being brought together right now, but this all started long before now. I mean, don't you think it's a little weird that I dreamed up a girl exactly like *you*? I'm sure that's not a coincidence, sweetie.

Sometimes I wonder how we'll fall in love. Will we randomly meet in the coffee shop, get drawn into some conversation neither of us has any power over, and fall for each other? Will I meet you online? In class? On the way to class? It's really exciting to think about.

I used to fall for girls so easy...all it took was attention from a girl with lesbian tendencies and I was hooked. It didn't take much to make me happy, but I was a different person then. It wasn't until fairly recently that I started to see what I had to offer someone, and once I started to see that, I started dreaming a girl like you up. A girl as breathtakingly, divinely beautiful as you. A girl as loving, as devoted, as you. A girl as loyal and faithful. A girl I had some indescribably strong, huge connection with on some level of reality deeper than either of us could ever imagine. A girl that respected me. Loved me. Found me as irresistably attractive as I found her. ;-)

I used to fall for girls that weren't right for me all the time. But now, every time I meet a girl, I measure her up to the standard of *you*, and she inevitably falls *far* short. There's no way any girl I've ever met could compare to you, no friendship or relationship come anywhere close to a shred of what we have. What we have is beyond words. And all I have to do is think of you, reach out to you, and these girls look so....plain. Even girls that seem like they have a lot to offer, don't. Not next to you.

And I'm growing and evolving to the point in my life to where I feel like I'm worthy of you. Maybe I'm not ready to meet you just yet. Maybe we both have things we have to accomplish first. But I don't think it'll be long, now. I think you're close.

And I can't wait to start spending every moment with you.